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jokes.json
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[{
"body": "On the condition he gets to install windows. ",
"id": "5tn84z",
"score": 48526,
"title": "Breaking News: Bill Gates has agreed to pay for Trump's wall"
}, {
"body": "/r/Jokes",
"id": "4xjyho",
"score": 45500,
"title": "I found a place where the recycling rate is 98%"
}, {
"body": "But its a silly comparison really, its like comparing apples to oranges. ",
"id": "5s9jog",
"score": 39570,
"title": "Steve jobs would have been a better president than Donald Trump."
}, {
"body": "We went and had some drinks. Cool guy. Wants to be a web developer.",
"id": "4wgall",
"score": 36421,
"title": "My girlfriend told me to take the spider out instead of killing it."
}, {
"body": "Please don't upvote. Her strap-on is huge. ",
"id": "4pj3q3",
"score": 35772,
"title": "For every upvote this gets, my girlfriend and I will try one thrust of anal sex."
}, {
"body": "'Forget everything you learned in college. You won't need it working here.' 'But I never went to college.' 'Well then, I'm sorry. You are underqualified to work here.'",
"id": "4zu8ii",
"score": 33626,
"title": "Forget everything you learned in college..."
}, {
"body": "Dear sir, Your internet access has been terminated due to illegal usage. Sincerely, your service provider.",
"id": "4vvaie",
"score": 32974,
"title": "What's a pirate's least favorite letter?"
}, {
"body": "So I made her marry an old guy she's never met to secure an alliance with the French. ",
"id": "5qeezz",
"score": 31006,
"title": "My girlfriend kept telling me to treat her like a princess."
}, {
"body": "because you can't truly be Hitler until you blame a jew for all your problems.",
"id": "4a9ax9",
"score": 30882,
"title": "Trump is blaming Sanders for the violence at his rally..."
}, {
"body": "Whoops, wrong sub.",
"id": "2qmkf0",
"score": 30863,
"title": "TIFU by mixing up by wifes sandwich order at Subway"
}, {
"body": "With iPhone accessories. ",
"id": "51t7fe",
"score": 30499,
"title": "How do you milk sheep?"
}, {
"body": "Social security",
"id": "5sqnqg",
"score": 29617,
"title": "'90s kids won't get this"
}, {
"body": "[removed]",
"id": "4nr6gd",
"score": 29290,
"title": "So I went on r/news today.."
}, {
"body": "\"...and I would have gotten away with it if it weren't for you medaling kids!\"",
"id": "4yiv2v",
"score": 29049,
"title": "What did Lochte say after his teammates told the police what really happened?"
}, {
"body": "they're white, they're cold, and if you put enough of em together they'll shut down public schools EDIT* Thanks for the gold! You popped my gold cherry! its a joke folks. just a joke.",
"id": "5sxr4y",
"score": 28995,
"title": "Republicans are the true snowflakes..."
}, {
"body": "America.",
"id": "48sxql",
"score": 27873,
"title": "If Hillary Clinton and Donald Trump are in a boat and it capsizes. Who survives?"
}, {
"body": "You should've seen her face when I tossed her some diet pills. ",
"id": "5s50we",
"score": 27434,
"title": "My wife told me to go and get some pills that help with an erection..."
}, {
"body": "So we can think about a solution in silence.",
"id": "4gzfj0",
"score": 26603,
"title": "Why are women and children evacuated first in a disaster?"
}, {
"body": "To beat the crowd.",
"id": "51plu4",
"score": 26514,
"title": "Why do riot police like to get to work early?"
}, {
"body": "Completely ruined our 10-year anniversary.",
"id": "4ukfxr",
"score": 26241,
"title": "My girlfriend's father called me a pedophile just because she's 22 and I'm 36."
}, {
"body": "Whoops wrong sub",
"id": "3ll81d",
"score": 25824,
"title": "TIL you can get dishonorably discharged from the Navy for boarding the wrong vessel just once"
}, {
"body": "Kinda like yo momma.",
"id": "5rx2qm",
"score": 25454,
"title": "Every \"yo momma\" joke has been done thousands of times, by thousands of different people."
}, {
"body": "[removed]",
"id": "2pzjyg",
"score": 24985,
"title": "A Joke About Kim Jong Un"
}, {
"body": "\"This is not working I'm going to my mum's house.\" So, I opened the fridge's door, the light came on and the juice was cold. - What the hell did she mean?",
"id": "5qn4zn",
"score": 24815,
"title": "My girlfriend left a note on the fridge"
}, {
"body": "Apparently the correct term is 'conjoined twins'",
"id": "5q6xuu",
"score": 24610,
"title": "I pissed off two men today because I referred to them as hipsters.."
}, {
"body": "Out of respect, we should at least wait until it takes place.",
"id": "5smhxt",
"score": 24226,
"title": "These Bowling Green Massacre jokes are too soon"
}, {
"body": "\"Jump in, I'll give you a lift home\" I said. \"Fuck off\" he shouted back. \"What an ungrateful little cunt\" I thought as I zipped up my backpack and continued my walk.",
"id": "4fbjvk",
"score": 24065,
"title": "I saw my dwarf neighbor at a bus stop"
}, {
"body": "C",
"id": "3rw2du",
"score": 23943,
"title": "Open letter to the mods of /r/jokes"
}, {
"body": "Oranges have thick skin. Let the downvotes fly, people! You've only got one! Edit: Did not expect this joke to get this good of a reception. Thanks, guys!",
"id": "4vqjp2",
"score": 23922,
"title": "What's the difference between Donald and a piece of fruit?"
}, {
"body": "But when I do, he laughs ",
"id": "4zck28",
"score": 23481,
"title": "I don't always tell dad jokes"
}, {
"body": "Britain is in the lead, but America has a Trump card.",
"id": "4pqu2j",
"score": 23363,
"title": "The United States and Britain are having a competition on who can fuck themselves up the most."
}, {
"body": "A bad joke timing",
"id": "4o9g4b",
"score": 23199,
"title": "What's the difference between a good joke and"
}, {
"body": "She said \"Yes!\". I said \"Good, because I'm breaking up with you.\" Edit: Front page! Hi mom. Thanks for the gold you amazing stranger, you.",
"id": "4hmfy8",
"score": 23090,
"title": "I asked my girlfriend if she'd like a day of eating ice cream and hanging with her girl friends."
}, {
"body": "\"Please Get Out The Pool\"",
"id": "4w1wce",
"score": 23005,
"title": "How do you get 30 drunk Canadians out of the pool?"
}, {
"body": "Probably because Mexico has more aliens",
"id": "5tk1na",
"score": 22322,
"title": "Trump's wall will cost 21.6 billion, Nasa's budget is only 19 billion"
}, {
"body": "There used to be two and now it's too offensive to talk about.",
"id": "50dxt6",
"score": 22192,
"title": "What do the twin towers and genders have in common?"
}, {
"body": "What a ridiculous thing to fallout 4",
"id": "3sodvg",
"score": 21928,
"title": "My girlfriend just dumped me for talking too much about video games"
}, {
"body": "Dear Sir/Ma'am We are cutting your internet connection due to the following reasons: 1. Illegal Downloading ",
"id": "48m1su",
"score": 21498,
"title": "What is a pirate's least favorite letter?"
}, {
"body": "\"Peter, you've been a doctor for over 8 years now, please stop starting every phone conversation we have with that.\"",
"id": "4yp0ex",
"score": 21482,
"title": "\"Mom? Don't freak out, but I'm in the hospital...\""
}, {
"body": "The man answers: \"Wow, how did you know?\" Cashier: \"Because you're ugly.\"",
"id": "4hj06f",
"score": 21409,
"title": "A man is buying a banana, an apple and two eggs. The female cashier says: \"You must be single.\""
}, {
"body": "Nobody expects the Spanish in position.",
"id": "529lph",
"score": 21109,
"title": "I've finally worked out why Spain is so good at football."
}, {
"body": "The fire consumed both books and in a tragic twist he hadn't even finished coloring the second one",
"id": "5ser5q",
"score": 21008,
"title": "In breaking news, Trump's personal library has burned down"
}, {
"body": "When the punchline becomes apparent.",
"id": "4bzb1n",
"score": 20992,
"title": "When does a joke become a dad joke?"
}, {
"body": "Because they are more likely to be dead.",
"id": "4mdm5a",
"score": 20976,
"title": "A new study shows that unvaccinated children are less likely to be autistic"
}, {
"body": "A family walks into a hotel and the father goes to the front desk and says \"I hope the porn is disabled.\" The guy at the desk replies. \"It's just regular porn you sick fuck.\"",
"id": "2cgtk1",
"score": 20878,
"title": "A family walks into a hotel... NSFW"
}, {
"body": "My german girlfriend likes to rate my sexual performances on a scale of 1-10. Last night we tried anal. She kept yelling 9. That's the best I've ever done. ",
"id": "4tav80",
"score": 20709,
"title": "German girlfriend"
}, {
"body": "[removed] ",
"id": "4vb4bl",
"score": 20695,
"title": "How do you disappoint a Redditor?"
}, {
"body": "One. Men can be Feminists, too.",
"id": "4y28jy",
"score": 20353,
"title": "How many Feminists does it take to screw in a lightbulb?"
}, {
"body": "\"coup coup\"",
"id": "4t2htj",
"score": 20324,
"title": "What sound does a Turkey make?"
}, {
"body": "They wanted to keep alcohol out of the high schools",
"id": "4d6ow3",
"score": 20093,
"title": "Alabama changed the drinking age to 34"
}, {
"body": "asked a son to his father. \"It means 'happy,'\" replied the father. \"Oh,\" contested the son, \"so are you gay, then?\" \"No, son, I have a wife.\" ",
"id": "4ttyja",
"score": 19834,
"title": "What does the word 'gay' mean?"
}, {
"body": "\"NASA: The Sky's The Limit\"",
"id": "5tlztr",
"score": 19674,
"title": "Did you hear what NASA's new slogan will be once their budget is cut?"
}, {
"body": "Then I could afford a house in the economy they ruined.",
"id": "32vfr6",
"score": 19563,
"title": "If I had a dollar for every time someone over 40 told me my generation sucks..."
}, {
"body": "Dad: \"Not yet. We still haven't found anyone who wants you.\"",
"id": "5trtfi",
"score": 19525,
"title": "Son: \"Dad, Am I adopted\"?"
}, {
"body": "I said, \"Just because you're unwilling to try new things, doesn't mean everyone's that frigid.\" \"Not that,\" she explained, \"It's just the plumbers that come to our house have tiny dicks.\"",
"id": "4y4qij",
"score": 19346,
"title": "I was watching porn with the missus and she complained, \"This is so unrealistic.\""
}, {
"body": "Oops, wrong sub",
"id": "4nuftd",
"score": 19239,
"title": "TIL in 1974 Russians accidentally blew up their own submarine, thinking it was an enemy"
}, {
"body": "Everybody misses Harambe.",
"id": "4zqox0",
"score": 19153,
"title": "What's the difference between everybody and bullets?"
}, {
"body": "\"A man has been arrested after half a million indecent images of children were found at his home in Bradford. Our reporter Gary O'Donoghue has more.\" Gary, you filthy bastard.",
"id": "4y9nn6",
"score": 18905,
"title": "I was watching the news this morning when the presenter said.."
}, {
"body": "[deleted]",
"id": "40lhzp",
"score": 18818,
"title": "3 mods walk into a bar"
}, {
"body": " \"I'm in Darwin with my sheila and she's been stung on the minge by a wasp, and now her pussy has completely closed up.\" \"Bummer, mate...!!!\" \"Thanks mate, I hadnt thought of that. Bye.\"",
"id": "5q9qxg",
"score": 18757,
"title": "\"G'Day mate, Aussie help line here..........What's the problem,.... Cobber?\""
}, {
"body": "They picked pizza. Then I made tacos because they don't live in a swing state.",
"id": "4w7prj",
"score": 18673,
"title": "To teach kids about democracy, I let them vote on dinner."
}, {
"body": "Because they are more likely to be dead",
"id": "4wz39j",
"score": 18606,
"title": "TIL unvaccinated children are less likely to be autistic"
}, {
"body": "Not only was it embarrassing, but it also cost me a fortune in stamps. ",
"id": "5scr7a",
"score": 18552,
"title": "I accidentally sent a dick pic to everyone in my address book."
}, {
"body": "A perfect 10, but completely imaginary.",
"id": "3r7zed",
"score": 18251,
"title": "My girlfriend is like the square root of -100"
}, {
"body": "Calls her husband up to the room to show him and discuss. \"What do you think we should do?\" she asks. Father frowns and responds \"Well I guess spanking him is out of the question\"",
"id": "4smxjj",
"score": 18194,
"title": "Mom finds a large number of BDSM magazines beneath her sons bed."
}, {
"body": "... ironic that 72 virgins are now attacking the terrorists EDIT: Almost 4 years on Reddit and I´m finally a faget! Yay!! EDIT2: Wow, thanks u/lordzxil for the gold!",
"id": "3t06w4",
"score": 18032,
"title": "So, Anonymous has declared war on ISIS"
}, {
"body": "For Hispanic attacks. ",
"id": "4tkbft",
"score": 18000,
"title": "Why does Donald Trump take Xanax?"
}, {
"body": "But if I'm gonna have sex, it's going to be on my own Accord.",
"id": "5qy146",
"score": 17976,
"title": "My girlfriend tried to make me have sex on the hood of her Honda Civic..."
}, {
"body": "Like you don't see med students calling themselves doctors or arts students calling themselves unemployed.",
"id": "49o14n",
"score": 17973,
"title": "I hate it when engineering students refer to themselves as engineers..."
}, {
"body": "“Wow, your dad’s a millionaire?” “No, but he always wanted to be.” ",
"id": "5s09lq",
"score": 17861,
"title": "I want to be a millionaire just like my dad!!"
}, {
"body": "Her: Why did the chicken cross the road? Me: Why? Her: To get to the ugly guy's house. Me:??? Her: Knock knock Me: Who's there? Her: It's the chicken!",
"id": "2propg",
"score": 17800,
"title": "Joke from my daughter"
}, {
"body": "It means a lot.",
"id": "4f6e6i",
"score": 17748,
"title": "Thanks for explaining the word \"many\" to me."
}, {
"body": "An Englishman, a Scotsman and an Irishman walk into a bar... The Englishman wanted to go so they all had to leave.",
"id": "4q355h",
"score": 17596,
"title": "An Englishman, a Scotsman and an Irishman walk into a bar..."
}, {
"body": "",
"id": "3t95sa",
"score": 17453,
"title": "One in every 2 and a half men is HIV positive."
}, {
"body": "Dear Sir, We are writing to you because you have violated copyright ...",
"id": "31w4s1",
"score": 17331,
"title": "What's a pirate's least favourite letter?"
}, {
"body": "Orange will be the new Black. ",
"id": "4xdxwo",
"score": 17321,
"title": "If Trump replaces Obama as president,"
}, {
"body": "after a moment of awkward silence, I said: \"Well I guess you should have been there\".",
"id": "4i5p7u",
"score": 17289,
"title": "I told god a Holocaust joke. He didn't laugh."
}, {
"body": "\"Gee, thanks, Grandpa!\" \"Why are you calling me Grandpa?\" \"Because I couldn't find it yesterday.\"",
"id": "4sjkh8",
"score": 17011,
"title": "\"Son, I found a condom in your room\""
}, {
"body": "I replied, \"Dude, it's 2017, you can use any printer you want.\"",
"id": "5sfwmc",
"score": 16824,
"title": "A black guy in a library asked me where the colored printer was"
}, {
"body": "They both feel good until you look down and realize you're gay. TAKE THAT CROC LOBBY #againstbigcroc I understand if I get downvoted. ",
"id": "4i0jrx",
"score": 16790,
"title": "What does wearing crocs and getting a blowjob from a man have in common?"
}, {
"body": "\"Are you kidding? Really?\" I shouted. \"Yup, get ready,\" he said. \"They'll be picking you up in about an hour.\"",
"id": "3hvisa",
"score": 16633,
"title": "\"Son, I wanted to let you know you were adopted,\" my dad told me."
}, {
"body": "She looked ecstatic until I picked up her box and started walking away",
"id": "5rpqie",
"score": 16136,
"title": "I went up to this really cute homeless girl and asked if I could take her home"
}, {
"body": "It seems they want to keep alcohol out of the high schools.",
"id": "4xbp58",
"score": 16116,
"title": "TIL that they have raised the minimum drinking age in Arkansas to 32."
}, {
"body": "The plot thickens.",
"id": "4rmqx8",
"score": 16052,
"title": "As I suspected, someone has been adding soil to my garden."
}, {
"body": "They both contain high amounts of trans fats. Edit: Omg guys! I didn't expect this to take off this much, thanks guys!",
"id": "4vk75w",
"score": 15956,
"title": "What does Tumblr and KFC's chicken have in common?"
}, {
"body": "Total recall",
"id": "50yeda",
"score": 15931,
"title": "What is Samsung CEO's favorite movie"
}, {
"body": "I'm not letting you out.",
"id": "50gyvt",
"score": 15819,
"title": "To the woman who keeps pounding on my door at night:"
}, {
"body": "She told me to use the back door and I'd have to be quick. In retrospect I should have just left, but it's not every day you get an offer like that.",
"id": "4niphi",
"score": 15734,
"title": "I was having sex with a woman when her husband came home early."
}, {
"body": "If it floats: boy ant.",
"id": "2snmui",
"score": 15653,
"title": "You can tell the sex of an ant by dropping it into a jug of water. If it sinks: girl ant...."
}, {
"body": "For instance: \"Ben is in a hurry.\" \"Ben is in a coma.\" ",
"id": "4ir53p",
"score": 15569,
"title": "Comas can really change the meaning of a sentence..."
}, {
"body": "Find out next time, on Dragon Ball Z!",
"id": "535a2y",
"score": 15454,
"title": "How many super saiyans does it take to change a light bulb?"
}, {
"body": "I mean the verb, not the adjective. ",
"id": "4n9jmm",
"score": 15435,
"title": "In my spare time I help blind children."
}, {
"body": "...could have been avoided completely if cowboy architects had just made their towns big enough for everyone...",
"id": "4k89av",
"score": 15405,
"title": "I believe a lot of conflict in the Wild West..."
}, {
"body": "She was eaten by a giant crab Edit: Bo Burnham is my god, this joke is his, I masturbate thinking of his talent to make people laugh without stealing jokes from other people",
"id": "518t2q",
"score": 15385,
"title": "My aunt's star sign was cancer, pretty ironic how she died"
}, {
"body": "They're there for the kid, but dad ends up playing with them.",
"id": "4fstj9",
"score": 15384,
"title": "Tits are like Lego bricks."
}, {
"body": "Teach a Nigerian to phish and he'll become a prince.",
"id": "4tqzcv",
"score": 15346,
"title": "Give a man a fish, and he eats for a day"
}, {
"body": "They come into your life wild and free and then leave with the PATIO FURNITURE WE BOUGHT TOGETHER SARAH YOU BITCH",
"id": "4no0bh",
"score": 15300,
"title": "Women are like Hurricanes"
}, {
"body": "I'm glad to be the 1%",
"id": "4lvcla",
"score": 15176,
"title": "9/10 Redditors are idiots"
}, {
"body": "You know...heroin.",
"id": "4lg0nd",
"score": 15148,
"title": "I've been so stressed recently I've been doing that Chinese thing with the needles."
}, {
"body": "We shoot each other in schools, because we have class.",
"id": "4mlh0b",
"score": 15138,
"title": "White people don't shoot each other in the streets like black people do..."
}, {
"body": "It's seven ",
"id": "527c4s",
"score": 15040,
"title": "I can count the number of times I've been to Chernobyl on one hand"
}, {
"body": "A ton of feathers. Because you also have to carry the weight of what you did to those poor birds.",
"id": "4vybks",
"score": 14842,
"title": "What's heavier, a ton of bricks or a ton of feathers?"
}, {
"body": "which also means nothing",
"id": "51lpgl",
"score": 14811,
"title": "The word 'nothing' is a palindrome. 'Nothing' reversed is 'Gnihton'"
}, {
"body": "Because I don't really understand your terms and you keep saying you have no interest.",
"id": "3h28pu",
"score": 14802,
"title": "Yo girl, are you a zero APR loan?"
}, {
"body": "A blueberry hahaha fuck you all",
"id": "4hyfv9",
"score": 14795,
"title": "What do you call a sad strawberry?"
}, {
"body": "50 Cent feat. Nickelback Go ahead, down vote me to oblivion Edit: thanks for all the love, appreciated",
"id": "4z4hcn",
"score": 14754,
"title": "What concert costs 45 cents?"
}, {
"body": "The other says, \"I'm a big metal fan\"",
"id": "4p8qkb",
"score": 14670,
"title": "Two windmills are standing in a field and one asks the other, \"What kind of music do you like?\""
}, {
"body": "Horse dick ",
"id": "4ov2lr",
"score": 14611,
"title": "What do gay horses eat?"
}, {
"body": "Social Security benefits.",
"id": "33ljbh",
"score": 14604,
"title": "90s kids won't get this . . ."
}, {
"body": "Obviously not. gg y'all, inbox = rekt",
"id": "2tijba",
"score": 14574,
"title": "Do you know the one step to avoiding clickbait?"
}, {
"body": "He wants to make America grate again.",
"id": "46r5ai",
"score": 14501,
"title": "Trump wants to ban the sale of pre-shredded cheese."
}, {
"body": "I guess the N's justify the means. ",
"id": "4qzif1",
"score": 14383,
"title": "My stats professor told me that the larger the sample size the more trustworthy the data."
}, {
"body": "Lazy",
"id": "4vmopp",
"score": 14307,
"title": "My friend asked me to describe myself in 3 words..."
}, {
"body": "Bartender says \"Three feet tall.\" Guy says \"Oh my God! I just ran over a nun!\"",
"id": "4spmkr",
"score": 14277,
"title": "Guy runs into a bar, yells \"Quick! How tall is a penguin?\""
}, {
"body": "The Black Plague ",
"id": "5std5f",
"score": 14199,
"title": "Only 1300's kids will get this.."
}, {
"body": "An Edison.",
"id": "4tgwrd",
"score": 14093,
"title": "What do you call a stolen Tesla?"
}, {
"body": "21.",
"id": "4ru1dt",
"score": 14045,
"title": "19 and 20 had a fight."
}, {
"body": "I really hope it's Todd, he's cute",
"id": "4m1ag7",
"score": 13992,
"title": "My friends say there is a gay guy in our circle of friends..."
}, {
"body": "π-rates.",
"id": "4ofred",
"score": 13882,
"title": "3.14% of sailors are..."
}, {
"body": "Nothing. Our engineering is perfect.",
"id": "3oc8k3",
"score": 13819,
"title": "As a german I have to ask: You know what really grinds my gears?"
}, {
"body": "He was high on my list of priorities",
"id": "4e2nal",
"score": 13798,
"title": "Today my stoner friend used my to-do list as a blunt wrap"
}, {
"body": "...has always been my Achilles' elbow.",
"id": "522ymn",
"score": 13776,
"title": "My poor knowledge of Greek mythology..."
}, {
"body": "The look on their face when you're nailing them.",
"id": "4c2hvq",
"score": 13703,
"title": "What's the difference between a hooker and jesus?"
}, {
"body": "www.reddit.com",
"id": "34ckv7",
"score": 13685,
"title": "I found a website with guaranteed real virgins [NSFW]"
}, {
"body": "\\-Son, leave the room please. \\-Dad, but I'm 23... \\-I don't give a fuck how old you are, you're not going to watch me jack off.",
"id": "52y76a",
"score": 13677,
"title": "Dad with his son are watching a movie when a sex scene begins"
}, {
"body": "\"Jeremy, you've been a doctor for over 8 years now, please stop starting every phone conversation we have with that.\"",
"id": "3w3sol",
"score": 13667,
"title": "\"Mom? Don't freak out, but I'm in the hospital...\""
}, {
"body": "Last night, for example, I couldn't fall asleep because the rain kept telling me to go fuck myself.",
"id": "5ru638",
"score": 13626,
"title": "My life completely changed after I learned Morse Code"
}, {
"body": "The cop opens the door and the driver falls out onto the asphalt. The cop says : \"Holy shit, you're so drunk, you can't even walk!\" The drunk says \"No shit, that's why I took my car!\"",
"id": "4ugrah",
"score": 13532,
"title": "A cop pulls a guy over for suspected drunk driving."
}, {
"body": "Must be why I'm an only child Edit: First time on front page thanks guys!",
"id": "5rf224",
"score": 13497,
"title": "My dad always told me he never made the same mistake twice"
}, {
"body": "I know he's going to treat her well, I heard they worship cows.",
"id": "4lklsg",
"score": 13453,
"title": "My wife left me for an Indian guy"
}, {
"body": "You will be mist.",
"id": "52nq0f",
"score": 13371,
"title": "RIP boiling water"
}, {
"body": "that 1 doctor lives in flint michigan",
"id": "43x82y",
"score": 13358,
"title": "9 out of 10 doctors reccommend for children to drink water instead of soda"
}, {
"body": "Him: \"What's the only mammal that can breathe under water?\" Me: \"I dunno, what?\" Him (loudly): \"An elephant sticking his trunk up!\"",
"id": "50ka52",
"score": 13353,
"title": "A joke my 4 year old came up with today..."
}, {
"body": "black people would rob me",
"id": "3i41wp",
"score": 13344,
"title": "If I got $1 every time somebody called me a racist"
}, {
"body": "Remove the ring and boom, house is gone!",
"id": "4hutiw",
"score": 13324,
"title": "Wives are like grenades..."
}, {
"body": "Trying to get into smaller pants. ",
"id": "3hm1sv",
"score": 13323,
"title": "Jared Fogle Of Subway Started and Ended His Career The Same Way."
}, {
"body": "Disabled. EDIT: First post and front page. Woohoo!",
"id": "4mzfo1",
"score": 13315,
"title": "I like my porn just how I like my search history"
}, {
"body": "They did unspeakable things to me.",
"id": "4or8y7",
"score": 13268,
"title": "Ive just been molested by a group of mime artists..."
}, {
"body": "If it gets any worse, I'll have to let her in...",
"id": "4rcmyl",
"score": 13249,
"title": "Since it started raining, all my wife has done is look sadly through the stupid window..."
}, {
"body": "The title says it all.",
"id": "4pamaz",
"score": 13221,
"title": "It all."
}, {
"body": "Because it had a bad driver! *drops mic*",
"id": "3k8vdu",
"score": 13206,
"title": "I give to you a joke I made up when I was seven: Why did the computer crash?"
}, {
"body": "The Ex-Men.",
"id": "4bhurd",
"score": 13176,
"title": "If Caitlyn Jenner were a super hero, what team would she be on?"
}, {
"body": "So they throw a cigarette overboard and the whole boat becomes a cigarette lighter. Edit: This got a lot more upvotes than i expected.",
"id": "3v966f",
"score": 13102,
"title": "Three men are on a boat. They have four cigarettes, but nothing to light them with."
}, {
"body": "That way it will never come for me",
"id": "453t62",
"score": 13092,
"title": "I hope Death is a woman"
}, {
"body": "At his funeral, we placed a lifejacket on his coffin. It's what he would have wanted...",
"id": "4kzkaj",
"score": 13090,
"title": "My friend Tommy drowned the other day..."
}, {
"body": "April, fools",
"id": "4cvm0b",
"score": 13026,
"title": "What is Mr. T's favorite month?"
}, {
"body": "I started a company selling land mines that look like prayer mats. Prophets are going through the roof.",
"id": "4aol73",
"score": 13021,
"title": "I started a company..."
}, {
"body": "Because fuck you, you stupid piece of shit. ",
"id": "3o86pg",
"score": 12975,
"title": "Damn girl are you a Rubik's cube?"
}, {
"body": "He started counting and fell asleep.",
"id": "5qorbh",
"score": 12914,
"title": "I asked my Welsh mate how many sexual partners he's had."
}, {
"body": "It was having a mid-life crisis.",
"id": "4ywvul",
"score": 12907,
"title": "Why was the baby in Africa crying?"
}, {
"body": "Apparently she left me two days ago.",
"id": "4v7k9q",
"score": 12901,
"title": "I couldn't find the thingy that peels the potatoes and the carrots, so I asked the kids..."
}, {
"body": "Mumbai! ",
"id": "4vgu6t",
"score": 12881,
"title": "What did the Indian boy say to his mother as he left for school?"
}, {
"body": "...is only one sea away from Ireland?",
"id": "531f5z",
"score": 12832,
"title": "Did you know that Iceland..."
}, {
"body": "People in Dubai don't like the Flintstones but people in Abu Dhabi doooooo.",
"id": "3mioq3",
"score": 12812,
"title": "What's the difference between Dubai and Abu Dhabi?"
}, {
"body": "For Hispanic attacks.",
"id": "4e6nu9",
"score": 12733,
"title": "Why did the Mexican take Xanax?"
}, {
"body": "Would it be safe to say that my addiction got out of hand?",
"id": "444db4",
"score": 12588,
"title": "If I was addicted to masturbation, and then became addicted to sex..."
}, {
"body": "She's a reddit admin ",
"id": "39flhw",
"score": 12582,
"title": "Yo mama so fat"
}, {
"body": "The constant beeping was giving me a headache and making me feel sick.",
"id": "4lnm2l",
"score": 12549,
"title": "I had to remove the battery from my carbon monoxide detector."
}, {
"body": "There's no dental records and all the DNA matches",
"id": "4jfo1n",
"score": 12467,
"title": "Why are redneck murders so hard to solve?"
}, {
"body": "Not a political post, I just love to travel",
"id": "4r6wfa",
"score": 12437,
"title": "If Trump wins Im leaving the country if Clinton wins Im leaving the country"
}, {
"body": "Husband texts back: \"Gently pour some lukewarm water over it and then *gently* tap edges with hammer.\" Wife texts back 10 minutes later: \"Computer really messed up now.\"",
"id": "3u539f",
"score": 12427,
"title": "Wife texts husband on a cold winter morning: \"Windows frozen, won't open.\""
}, {
"body": "I don't fucking know I'm just a drone pilot",
"id": "5r37xu",
"score": 12388,
"title": "What's the difference between a Pakistani school and a terrorist camp?"
}, {
"body": "Every time a girl gets pregnant, a guy leaves town.",
"id": "4yzwrx",
"score": 12379,
"title": "My town's population never changes"
}, {
"body": "This is my first post, make it good. I want memes",
"id": "4kfbst",
"score": 12328,
"title": "Memes"
}, {
"body": "“Hey kid, want to buy some candy?”",
"id": "4b3rai",
"score": 12321,
"title": "What do Jewish pedophiles say?"
}, {
"body": "Honey I'll be home in 20 minutes.",
"id": "47zm2c",
"score": 12284,
"title": "What does Bill say to Hillary after sex?"
}, {
"body": "But I guess I'll take a shot at it. ",
"id": "53jg40",
"score": 12282,
"title": "As a cop, I don't know how to deal with black people..."
}, {
"body": "They both change your ring tone",
"id": "4x7ywp",
"score": 12263,
"title": "What do a cell phone and anal bleach have in common?"
}, {
"body": "Because if he wins, he'll have to move into a smaller house in a black neighborhood.",
"id": "44k10x",
"score": 12258,
"title": "Why does Donald Trump secretly want to lose the election?"
}, {
"body": "Whoops, wrong sub.",
"id": "3di2v3",
"score": 12197,
"title": "TIL: After Pearl Harbor, US warships fired upon friendly u boats heading back to port."
}, {
"body": "They didn't spend all that time in the closet doing nothing. Edit: ( ͡ʘ ͜ʖ ͡ʘ)",
"id": "3gyusq",
"score": 12177,
"title": "Why are gay men so well dressed?"
}, {
"body": "They'll kill your dog.",
"id": "4jmi2a",
"score": 12137,
"title": "Police are like a box of chocolates...."
}, {
"body": "How I bought your mother",
"id": "4dyyyp",
"score": 12126,
"title": "Whats Saudi Arabia's highest rated sitcom?"
}, {
"body": "You can hide, but you can't run.",
"id": "3nimwj",
"score": 12099,
"title": "To the guy in the wheelchair who stole my camouflage jacket:"
}, {
"body": "You don't have to beg your wife to blow your paycheck",
"id": "4m71t5",
"score": 12076,
"title": "What's the difference between a paycheck and a penis?"
}, {
"body": "Obviously not 8, because its still dark in my basement.",
"id": "4teb7r",
"score": 12071,
"title": "How many dead prostitutes does it take to change a lightbulb?"
}, {
"body": "All of its servers were busy...",
"id": "3logxu",
"score": 12061,
"title": "I went to the Reddit restaurant"
}, {
"body": "They'll kill your dog",
"id": "2kzxpp",
"score": 11960,
"title": "Crazy ex-girlfriends are like a box of chocolate"
}, {
"body": "Because Ken always came in another box.",
"id": "5rjwbv",
"score": 11921,
"title": "Why didn't barbie ever get pregnant?"
}, {
"body": "Because his whole life he's Ben Solo",
"id": "4d1nl0",
"score": 11890,
"title": "Why does Kylo Ren have no friends?"
}, {
"body": "I asked him the other day \"how do you tell them apart?\" He said \"Well, Stacy is the blonde with a perfect ass, great tits, and a fantastic figure... ... And Brian's got a cock\" ",
"id": "4tng1l",
"score": 11856,
"title": "So my mate has started dating twins!"
}, {
"body": "How many \"friend zoned\" guys does it take to change a light bulb? None. They just compliment it and get mad when it won't screw. ",
"id": "3g68j3",
"score": 11801,
"title": "How many \"friend zoned\" guys does it take to change a lightbulb?"
}, {
"body": "My friend gave it to me as he was dying. It seemed very important to him that I have it.",
"id": "2g7yxo",
"score": 11798,
"title": "I have an EpiPen."
}, {
"body": "Youd almost think it was built on top of thousands of ancient indian burial grounds. Edit: Hey thanks for the gold stranger! ",
"id": "3gq3i8",
"score": 11780,
"title": "The US is having so many disasters and tragedies"
}, {
"body": " \"Surely it's not going to rain today?\" She said \"it will, and don't call me Shirley\" ...Forgot to take my phone off Airplane mode. ",
"id": "2fpuid",
"score": 11778,
"title": "Just asked Siri."
}, {
"body": "Yeah, I gave 'em my too weak notice ",
"id": "4dowl0",
"score": 11775,
"title": "I'm kinda scrawny, so I had to quit my job as a personal trainer"
}, {
"body": "It's called 'Facebook'",
"id": "4olcyo",
"score": 11739,
"title": "I just installed a new app on my phone that lets me know which of my friends are racist."
}, {
"body": "Donald Trump's tie.",
"id": "3lx6gb",
"score": 11688,
"title": "What's 18 inches long and hangs in front of an asshole?"
}, {
"body": "When he suddenly mumbled, \"Fucking shitty lid!\". My wife immediately looked at me and said, \"I wonder where he's got that from?\". I said, \"The fucking fridge, you silly cunt.\"",
"id": "4ybov2",
"score": 11673,
"title": "My 4yr old was struggling to open his yoghurt, today."
}, {
"body": " Hot, clean, and she'll kill any baby I put inside her.",
"id": "4o0vvv",
"score": 11639,
"title": "I like my women like I like my microwave"
}, {
"body": "Seven",
"id": "4vc9yf",
"score": 11634,
"title": "How do you confuse a gay person?"
}, {
"body": ".",
"id": "3u8yg1",
"score": 11623,
"title": "I don't know what the big deal is about Black Friday. All Fridays matter."
}, {
"body": "They both want to get there before the hare does. ",
"id": "40eh7v",
"score": 11593,
"title": "What does a turtle and a pedophile have in common?"
}, {
"body": "Quite ironic that 72 virgins will be attacking the terrorists!",
"id": "2sf00p",
"score": 11586,
"title": "So I heard that the hackers \"Anonymous\" are waging war on ISIS and al-Qaeda..."
}, {
"body": "You have my Word.",
"id": "4qg030",
"score": 11491,
"title": "To whoever stole my copy of Microsoft Office: I will find you.."
}, {
"body": "Girlfriend: \"I'm sick of you pretending you're a detective. I think we should split up.\" Me: \"Good idea. We can cover more ground that way.\"",
"id": "437bdk",
"score": 11460,
"title": "My girlfriend told me she's sick of me pretending to be a detective."
}, {
"body": "That takes the number of girls I've made wet this year to -1.",
"id": "373dmv",
"score": 11459,
"title": "I lent a hot girl my umbrella yesterday."
}, {
"body": "... and I said, yes, but they R2D2.",
"id": "3xl44b",
"score": 11458,
"title": "My friend asked me if the new Star Wars was in 3D..."
}, {
"body": "now I only drink for evil",
"id": "53eq57",
"score": 11439,
"title": "Today I quit drinking for good"
}, {
"body": "Anybody know what \"ternative\" means?",
"id": "4zfbw9",
"score": 11397,
"title": "My girlfriend texted me \"helpmyspacebarbrokecanyoucomeoverandgivemeanalternative\""