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testing_update.txt
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Go to the profile of Crystal Jackson
Crystal Jackson
Writer. Mother. Former therapist. Dreamer. Bookworm. Feminist. Happy tree hugger. Mindful human. Follow me on Facebook or Instagram at CrystalJackson.writer
Aug 15
Not Your MILF: A Guide to Dating Single Moms
Photo by Alvaro Reyes on Unsplash
A friend of mine and I were recently doing what we do: comparing our lists of garbage dating trends. There are just so many that this conversation could go on forever, but that day�s focus zeroed in on an enormous pet peeve for both of us: the perception of single moms in the dating world.
If you�re a single mom, you can probably guess most of these without even looking down the list. You�ve been there. Some single dads may have experienced a few of these, too. It�s all ridiculous, and I hope this little PSA helps someone out there get a clue that maybe they didn�t have before about the challenges to dating a single mom.
First of all, don�t call us MILFs.
For the unenlightened, this nasty little acronym stands for moms I�d like to f*ck. While most people might have the good sense to think it but not say it, I�ve had this said to me directly a number of times, as if I were being paid an amazing compliment. It�s not complementary; it�s disrespectful. When you open with this statement, you�re already clarified that we aren�t even people to you; just a notch on your bedpost.
Cougar is another term that needs to go. If you�re willing to date someone older, be mature enough to date them for themselves without invoking this ugly term. If you feel like you need to use it, maybe you�re not mature enough to be dating someone older than you.
We haven�t lowered the bar.
There�s this assumption that we�re desperate and have lowered the bar to accommodate any men who will have us. I�m not sure where this entirely demented idea originated from, but most of us have weathered divorces, shit relationships, and single parenting. We have in no way lowered our standards. Most of us have jacked them up pretty high to make sure that we don�t end up in toxic relationships that might spill over to our children.
This means that when you send us your dick pic, we�re not going to rush out to see it in person. It actually may get you sent directly to a block list because we want a quality partner and not someone firing off pictures of their equipment to total strangers. If someone asks for them, fine. But it�s bad form to just send them out. Learn about consent.
We�re not Daddy shopping.
I can honestly say that I went on a date where the guy practically interviewed me to be the stepmom for his kid. It was a first date. Maybe people like this are why there�s a misconception that single parents are hunting for a prospective step-parent for the kids.
The single people I know aren�t out interviewing mommies or daddies. We�re looking for connection and a healthy relationship. If we find that, we certainly want one capable of filling that role for our kids, but we�re not out shopping for a step-parent where just anyone could fit the bill. So don�t bother trying to cozy up to our kids or push hard on forming a relationship with them. We�re not going to let you near the kids unless we think this has a future, and it may take a while to get to that stage. We�re looking for actual partners we can love and not just someone who meets some parenting checklist.
Even if you pay, dates cost us, too.
I�m not talking about some kind of sick quid pro quo situation. I�m talking babysitters. I once paid $70 to a sitter to go out on a date that cost less than that for dinner. Stop pushing single parents to get a sitter when they aren�t available or can�t afford it. If they say no, respect that. There is little more embarrassing than having to explain to a potential date that our budget may extend to supporting ourselves and our kids but might not cover the cost of a sitter for a night out. Be considerate, and understand that sometimes dates might get derailed by family emergencies.
No glove, no love.
Louder for the people in the back! Safety is always important, but it�s even more so for a single parent who is already shouldering enormous responsibility. If you don�t have contraceptives on hand, don�t expect to have sex. STIs and unplanned pregnancies impact our lives in ways you can�t even imagine, and being careless about sex shows that you�re immature and irresponsible.
We�re not looking to raise another kid.
I�m not talking about potential step-children either. If you are not living on your own and supporting yourself, it�s a red flag. If you�re not holding a job and paying your own bills, it�s a red flag. If you�re up to your eye balls in debt that�s not for an education, it�s a red flag. We already have kids to take care of, and we don�t want a partner who we�re going to have to teach to balance a checkbook, create a budget, or wash a load of laundry. We�re looking for adults who are capable of supporting themselves and don�t expect someone else to do it for them.
Get over your hang-ups about co-parenting.
Hey, I don�t want to see my ex either, but when you�re a good parent, you actually try really hard to do what�s best for the kids. This means co-parenting with someone you broke up with or divorced. It�s not fun for us either, but if you�re going to be with a single parenting, expect their to be some interaction from the ex.
Our kids come first, but we don�t come last.
This one is big for me. My kids will always come first in the decisions that I make as far as their health and well-being and overall happiness. But I�m not last either. I had an ex say that he and my kids should come before me. I think I was somewhat lower on the list than housecleaning and making dinner. But that�s not how this works. I don�t come last.
If I�m in a relationship, I�m not going to put my wants, needs, and general self-care last because I have a partner, and I wouldn�t be with a partner who expected me to do so. I matter, too, and it�s unrealistic to expect a single parent to put you before their kids OR themselves. Single parents need all the self-care they can get to do this job.
We have so much less time to waste.
We�re incredibly busy, and we�re not going to waste a lot of time. If you seem to be jerking us around, we�re going to put on the brakes. If you lie to us, don�t expect us to keep you around. If you wave a red flag in the air in front of us, we�re not going to excuse it as a little quirk. We�ve got busy lives and children to raise up to be healthy, happy adults, and we don�t have the time for our time to be wasted.
If you know you couldn�t treat another person�s kids like your own, don�t date a single parent. If you�re going to get twisted about an ex coming around for co-parenting purposes, don�t date a single parent. If you can�t be considerate, respectful, and honest, don�t date a single parent. It�s easy. We want connection and to fall in love, like anyone else, but we are not here for any of your bullshit if you just want to play games. We�ll play Chutes and Ladders with our kids, but we�re not going to play dating games with you. Be real, or go home.
There are so many challenges for single moms to date at all. My primary sitter will almost never babysit in order for me to date, and I can�t always afford the prices of sitters in my area. I often have to work around their visitations with their dad or even their school schedule. It�s not easy. We already have enough stress and responsibility without dating adding more.
There�s this horrible misconception out there about single moms. I hope this little no-f*cks-given tutorial has clarified a few of these areas that might have been confusing before. We want to date, but we�re not here for anyone�s bullshit. We�re not easy or desperate, and we�re not shopping for daddies. If you don�t have a glove, you don�t get the love, and just generally be considerate of our time. Thank you for coming to my TED Talk.
ParentingDatingRelationshipsLoveAdvice
Go to the profile of Crystal Jackson
Crystal Jackson
Medium member since Oct 2018
Writer. Mother. Former therapist. Dreamer. Bookworm. Feminist. Happy tree hugger. Mindful human. Follow me on Facebook or Instagram at CrystalJackson.writer
P.S. I Love You
P.S. I Love You
Writing from the heart. Stories about life, loss, and love in the digital age.
More from P.S. I Love You
Do not fall in love with a smart, introverted man
Go to the profile of Jennifer Lowe
Jennifer Lowe
More from P.S. I Love You
How do we know when to give up on a relationship?
Go to the profile of Jessica Rosales
Jessica Rosales
More from P.S. I Love You
This is How You Know When You Should Walk Away
Go to the profile of Salma Elbarmawi
Salma Elbarmawi
Responses
Arpit Jadiya
Write a response�
Arpit Jadiya
Conversation with Crystal Jackson.
Go to the profile of Thomas
Thomas
Aug 16
After dating a single parent years ago, my advice is to stay well clear of them. Their whole lives revolves around their children and how hard they have it. It�s as if they wear the �single parent� as a badge of honor, when it�s not.
Instead of a quality relationship on equal terms, most men will learn very quickly that they�
Go to the profile of Crystal Jackson
Crystal Jackson
Aug 16
Yes, please avoid dating single parents as this is clearly not for you. We all appreciate you steering well clear of us so that we can find healthy partnerships with someone else. It�s great that you have realized this is not for you.
Conversation between Elizabeth Bennet and Crystal Jackson.
Go to the profile of Elizabeth Bennet
Elizabeth Bennet
Aug 15
Thanks, Crystal! I haven�t even bothered trying to date again after my first experience as a newly-single mom landed me with an even more glaringly personality-disordered guy than my ex-husband?�?and your article tells me I�m not missing anything. I do feel a need to point out, though, that there are plenty of single moms who are the opposite of�
Go to the profile of Crystal Jackson
Crystal Jackson
Aug 16
I don�t mind being rare. Some of the lessons I�ve learned the hard way. I�m trying not to repeat my mistakes. Thank you for reading!!!
Conversation between JE and Crystal Jackson.
Go to the profile of JE
JE
Aug 16
I�ve been dating a single mom for some time now as a single parent myself. It�s been amazing. Free time comes at a premium so almost every time we get together, it�s really great.
There�s so much anti-single parent sentiment, much more towards mom�s than dad�s IME, which I find interesting. At least in my experience this is�
Go to the profile of Crystal Jackson
Crystal Jackson
Aug 16
Thank you for your insight! I was in a relationship that ended for other reasons that had nothing to do with having kids, and I agree that many people are attributing poor comparability to single parenting when one has nothing whatsoever to do with the other. Thank you for reading!
Conversation between Barbara Folk and Crystal Jackson.
Go to the profile of Barbara Folk
Barbara Folk
Aug 15
I matter, too, and it�s unrealistic to expect a single parent to put you before their kids OR themselves. Single parents need all the self-care they can get to do this job.
I�m working really hard on getting better.
Unfortunately, for the longest time, I put myself last. I�m just beginning to work on self-care. This lesson is so painful.
Thank you for writing this. Can you please be my spirit animal? :)
Go to the profile of Crystal Jackson
Crystal Jackson
Aug 16
That question makes my heart happy! ?? Thank you for reading!
Conversation between Anna Cairns and Crystal Jackson.
Go to the profile of Anna Cairns
Anna Cairns
Aug 19
Great read Crystal.
I�m not a single mom and not dating but there are points here that are relatable in life, generally.
Go to the profile of Crystal Jackson
Crystal Jackson
Aug 20
Thank you!!!
Conversation between dori mondon-freeman and Crystal Jackson.
Go to the profile of dori mondon-freeman
dori mondon-freeman
Aug 16
the guy practically interviewed me to be the stepmom for his kid
i had that happen once (and it was before i became a mom, too). not only was his kid the WORST, but yeah, it was easy to see that he was having trouble parenting on his own� I RAN SO FAR.
Go to the profile of Crystal Jackson
Crystal Jackson
Aug 16
The kid was probably nice enough, but the fact that he wanted to make a first or second date an intro to his child was a huge red flag for me.
1
Smart stories. New ideas. No ads. $5/month.
Member preview
Go to the profile of Crystal Jackson
Crystal Jackson
Writer. Mother. Former therapist. Dreamer. Bookworm. Feminist. Happy tree hugger. Mindful human. Follow me on Facebook or Instagram at CrystalJackson.writer
Aug 15
Not Your MILF: A Guide to Dating Single Moms
Photo by Alvaro Reyes on Unsplash
A friend of mine and I were recently doing what we do: comparing our lists of garbage dating trends. There are just so many that this conversation could go on forever, but that day�s focus zeroed in on an enormous pet peeve for both of us: the perception of single moms in the dating world.
If you�re a single mom, you can probably guess most of these without even looking down the list. You�ve been there. Some single dads may have experienced a few of these, too. It�s all ridiculous, and I hope this little PSA helps someone out there get a clue that maybe they didn�t have before about the challenges to dating a single mom.
First of all, don�t call us MILFs.
For the unenlightened, this nasty little acronym stands for moms I�d like to f*ck. While most people might have the good sense to think it but not say it, I�ve had this said to me directly a number of times, as if I were being paid an amazing compliment. It�s not complementary; it�s disrespectful. When you open with this statement, you�re already clarified that we aren�t even people to you; just a notch on your bedpost.
Cougar is another term that needs to go. If you�re willing to date someone older, be mature enough to date them for themselves without invoking this ugly term. If you feel like you need to use it, maybe you�re not mature enough to be dating someone older than you.
We haven�t lowered the bar.
There�s this assumption that we�re desperate and have lowered the bar to accommodate any men who will have us. I�m not sure where this entirely demented idea originated from, but most of us have weathered divorces, shit relationships, and single parenting. We have in no way lowered our standards. Most of us have jacked them up pretty high to make sure that we don�t end up in toxic relationships that might spill over to our children.
This means that when you send us your dick pic, we�re not going to rush out to see it in person. It actually may get you sent directly to a block list because we want a quality partner and not someone firing off pictures of their equipment to total strangers. If someone asks for them, fine. But it�s bad form to just send them out. Learn about consent.
We�re not Daddy shopping.
I can honestly say that I went on a date where the guy practically interviewed me to be the stepmom for his kid. It was a first date. Maybe people like this are why there�s a misconception that single parents are hunting for a prospective step-parent for the kids.
The single people I know aren�t out interviewing mommies or daddies. We�re looking for connection and a healthy relationship. If we find that, we certainly want one capable of filling that role for our kids, but we�re not out shopping for a step-parent where just anyone could fit the bill. So don�t bother trying to cozy up to our kids or push hard on forming a relationship with them. We�re not going to let you near the kids unless we think this has a future, and it may take a while to get to that stage. We�re looking for actual partners we can love and not just someone who meets some parenting checklist.
Even if you pay, dates cost us, too.
I�m not talking about some kind of sick quid pro quo situation. I�m talking babysitters. I once paid $70 to a sitter to go out on a date that cost less than that for dinner. Stop pushing single parents to get a sitter when they aren�t available or can�t afford it. If they say no, respect that. There is little more embarrassing than having to explain to a potential date that our budget may extend to supporting ourselves and our kids but might not cover the cost of a sitter for a night out. Be considerate, and understand that sometimes dates might get derailed by family emergencies.
No glove, no love.
Louder for the people in the back! Safety is always important, but it�s even more so for a single parent who is already shouldering enormous responsibility. If you don�t have contraceptives on hand, don�t expect to have sex. STIs and unplanned pregnancies impact our lives in ways you can�t even imagine, and being careless about sex shows that you�re immature and irresponsible.
We�re not looking to raise another kid.
I�m not talking about potential step-children either. If you are not living on your own and supporting yourself, it�s a red flag. If you�re not holding a job and paying your own bills, it�s a red flag. If you�re up to your eye balls in debt that�s not for an education, it�s a red flag. We already have kids to take care of, and we don�t want a partner who we�re going to have to teach to balance a checkbook, create a budget, or wash a load of laundry. We�re looking for adults who are capable of supporting themselves and don�t expect someone else to do it for them.
Get over your hang-ups about co-parenting.
Hey, I don�t want to see my ex either, but when you�re a good parent, you actually try really hard to do what�s best for the kids. This means co-parenting with someone you broke up with or divorced. It�s not fun for us either, but if you�re going to be with a single parenting, expect their to be some interaction from the ex.
Our kids come first, but we don�t come last.
This one is big for me. My kids will always come first in the decisions that I make as far as their health and well-being and overall happiness. But I�m not last either. I had an ex say that he and my kids should come before me. I think I was somewhat lower on the list than housecleaning and making dinner. But that�s not how this works. I don�t come last.
If I�m in a relationship, I�m not going to put my wants, needs, and general self-care last because I have a partner, and I wouldn�t be with a partner who expected me to do so. I matter, too, and it�s unrealistic to expect a single parent to put you before their kids OR themselves. Single parents need all the self-care they can get to do this job.
We have so much less time to waste.
We�re incredibly busy, and we�re not going to waste a lot of time. If you seem to be jerking us around, we�re going to put on the brakes. If you lie to us, don�t expect us to keep you around. If you wave a red flag in the air in front of us, we�re not going to excuse it as a little quirk. We�ve got busy lives and children to raise up to be healthy, happy adults, and we don�t have the time for our time to be wasted.
If you know you couldn�t treat another person�s kids like your own, don�t date a single parent. If you�re going to get twisted about an ex coming around for co-parenting purposes, don�t date a single parent. If you can�t be considerate, respectful, and honest, don�t date a single parent. It�s easy. We want connection and to fall in love, like anyone else, but we are not here for any of your bullshit if you just want to play games. We�ll play Chutes and Ladders with our kids, but we�re not going to play dating games with you. Be real, or go home.
There are so many challenges for single moms to date at all. My primary sitter will almost never babysit in order for me to date, and I can�t always afford the prices of sitters in my area. I often have to work around their visitations with their dad or even their school schedule. It�s not easy. We already have enough stress and responsibility without dating adding more.
There�s this horrible misconception out there about single moms. I hope this little no-f*cks-given tutorial has clarified a few of these areas that might have been confusing before. We want to date, but we�re not here for anyone�s bullshit. We�re not easy or desperate, and we�re not shopping for daddies. If you don�t have a glove, you don�t get the love, and just generally be considerate of our time. Thank you for coming to my TED Talk.
ParentingDatingRelationshipsLoveAdvice
Go to the profile of Crystal Jackson
Crystal Jackson
Medium member since Oct 2018
Writer. Mother. Former therapist. Dreamer. Bookworm. Feminist. Happy tree hugger. Mindful human. Follow me on Facebook or Instagram at CrystalJackson.writer
P.S. I Love You
P.S. I Love You
Writing from the heart. Stories about life, loss, and love in the digital age.
More from P.S. I Love You
Do not fall in love with a smart, introverted man
Go to the profile of Jennifer Lowe
Jennifer Lowe
More from P.S. I Love You
How do we know when to give up on a relationship?
Go to the profile of Jessica Rosales
Jessica Rosales
More from P.S. I Love You
This is How You Know When You Should Walk Away
Go to the profile of Salma Elbarmawi
Salma Elbarmawi
Responses
Arpit Jadiya
Write a response�
Arpit Jadiya
Conversation with Crystal Jackson.
Go to the profile of Thomas
Thomas
Aug 16
After dating a single parent years ago, my advice is to stay well clear of them. Their whole lives revolves around their children and how hard they have it. It�s as if they wear the �single parent� as a badge of honor, when it�s not.
Instead of a quality relationship on equal terms, most men will learn very quickly that they�
Go to the profile of Crystal Jackson
Crystal Jackson
Aug 16
Yes, please avoid dating single parents as this is clearly not for you. We all appreciate you steering well clear of us so that we can find healthy partnerships with someone else. It�s great that you have realized this is not for you.
Conversation between Elizabeth Bennet and Crystal Jackson.
Go to the profile of Elizabeth Bennet
Elizabeth Bennet
Aug 15
Thanks, Crystal! I haven�t even bothered trying to date again after my first experience as a newly-single mom landed me with an even more glaringly personality-disordered guy than my ex-husband?�?and your article tells me I�m not missing anything. I do feel a need to point out, though, that there are plenty of single moms who are the opposite of�
Go to the profile of Crystal Jackson
Crystal Jackson
Aug 16
I don�t mind being rare. Some of the lessons I�ve learned the hard way. I�m trying not to repeat my mistakes. Thank you for reading!!!
Conversation between JE and Crystal Jackson.
Go to the profile of JE
JE
Aug 16
I�ve been dating a single mom for some time now as a single parent myself. It�s been amazing. Free time comes at a premium so almost every time we get together, it�s really great.
There�s so much anti-single parent sentiment, much more towards mom�s than dad�s IME, which I find interesting. At least in my experience this is�
Go to the profile of Crystal Jackson
Crystal Jackson
Aug 16
Thank you for your insight! I was in a relationship that ended for other reasons that had nothing to do with having kids, and I agree that many people are attributing poor comparability to single parenting when one has nothing whatsoever to do with the other. Thank you for reading!
Conversation between Barbara Folk and Crystal Jackson.
Go to the profile of Barbara Folk
Barbara Folk
Aug 15
I matter, too, and it�s unrealistic to expect a single parent to put you before their kids OR themselves. Single parents need all the self-care they can get to do this job.
I�m working really hard on getting better.
Unfortunately, for the longest time, I put myself last. I�m just beginning to work on self-care. This lesson is so painful.
Thank you for writing this. Can you please be my spirit animal? :)
Go to the profile of Crystal Jackson
Crystal Jackson
Aug 16
That question makes my heart happy! ?? Thank you for reading!
Conversation between Anna Cairns and Crystal Jackson.
Go to the profile of Anna Cairns
Anna Cairns
Aug 19
Great read Crystal.
I�m not a single mom and not dating but there are points here that are relatable in life, generally.
Go to the profile of Crystal Jackson
Crystal Jackson
Aug 20
Thank you!!!
Conversation between dori mondon-freeman and Crystal Jackson.
Go to the profile of dori mondon-freeman
dori mondon-freeman
Aug 16
the guy practically interviewed me to be the stepmom for his kid
i had that happen once (and it was before i became a mom, too). not only was his kid the WORST, but yeah, it was easy to see that he was having trouble parenting on his own� I RAN SO FAR.
Go to the profile of Crystal Jackson
Crystal Jackson
Aug 16
The kid was probably nice enough, but the fact that he wanted to make a first or second date an intro to his child was a huge red flag for me.
1
Smart stories. New ideas. No ads. $5/month.
Member preview
Go to the profile of Crystal Jackson
Crystal Jackson
Writer. Mother. Former therapist. Dreamer. Bookworm. Feminist. Happy tree hugger. Mindful human. Follow me on Facebook or Instagram at CrystalJackson.writer
Aug 15
Not Your MILF: A Guide to Dating Single Moms
Photo by Alvaro Reyes on Unsplash
A friend of mine and I were recently doing what we do: comparing our lists of garbage dating trends. There are just so many that this conversation could go on forever, but that day�s focus zeroed in on an enormous pet peeve for both of us: the perception of single moms in the dating world.
If you�re a single mom, you can probably guess most of these without even looking down the list. You�ve been there. Some single dads may have experienced a few of these, too. It�s all ridiculous, and I hope this little PSA helps someone out there get a clue that maybe they didn�t have before about the challenges to dating a single mom.
First of all, don�t call us MILFs.
For the unenlightened, this nasty little acronym stands for moms I�d like to f*ck. While most people might have the good sense to think it but not say it, I�ve had this said to me directly a number of times, as if I were being paid an amazing compliment. It�s not complementary; it�s disrespectful. When you open with this statement, you�re already clarified that we aren�t even people to you; just a notch on your bedpost.
Cougar is another term that needs to go. If you�re willing to date someone older, be mature enough to date them for themselves without invoking this ugly term. If you feel like you need to use it, maybe you�re not mature enough to be dating someone older than you.
We haven�t lowered the bar.
There�s this assumption that we�re desperate and have lowered the bar to accommodate any men who will have us. I�m not sure where this entirely demented idea originated from, but most of us have weathered divorces, shit relationships, and single parenting. We have in no way lowered our standards. Most of us have jacked them up pretty high to make sure that we don�t end up in toxic relationships that might spill over to our children.
This means that when you send us your dick pic, we�re not going to rush out to see it in person. It actually may get you sent directly to a block list because we want a quality partner and not someone firing off pictures of their equipment to total strangers. If someone asks for them, fine. But it�s bad form to just send them out. Learn about consent.
We�re not Daddy shopping.
I can honestly say that I went on a date where the guy practically interviewed me to be the stepmom for his kid. It was a first date. Maybe people like this are why there�s a misconception that single parents are hunting for a prospective step-parent for the kids.
The single people I know aren�t out interviewing mommies or daddies. We�re looking for connection and a healthy relationship. If we find that, we certainly want one capable of filling that role for our kids, but we�re not out shopping for a step-parent where just anyone could fit the bill. So don�t bother trying to cozy up to our kids or push hard on forming a relationship with them. We�re not going to let you near the kids unless we think this has a future, and it may take a while to get to that stage. We�re looking for actual partners we can love and not just someone who meets some parenting checklist.
Even if you pay, dates cost us, too.
I�m not talking about some kind of sick quid pro quo situation. I�m talking babysitters. I once paid $70 to a sitter to go out on a date that cost less than that for dinner. Stop pushing single parents to get a sitter when they aren�t available or can�t afford it. If they say no, respect that. There is little more embarrassing than having to explain to a potential date that our budget may extend to supporting ourselves and our kids but might not cover the cost of a sitter for a night out. Be considerate, and understand that sometimes dates might get derailed by family emergencies.
No glove, no love.
Louder for the people in the back! Safety is always important, but it�s even more so for a single parent who is already shouldering enormous responsibility. If you don�t have contraceptives on hand, don�t expect to have sex. STIs and unplanned pregnancies impact our lives in ways you can�t even imagine, and being careless about sex shows that you�re immature and irresponsible.
We�re not looking to raise another kid.
I�m not talking about potential step-children either. If you are not living on your own and supporting yourself, it�s a red flag. If you�re not holding a job and paying your own bills, it�s a red flag. If you�re up to your eye balls in debt that�s not for an education, it�s a red flag. We already have kids to take care of, and we don�t want a partner who we�re going to have to teach to balance a checkbook, create a budget, or wash a load of laundry. We�re looking for adults who are capable of supporting themselves and don�t expect someone else to do it for them.
Get over your hang-ups about co-parenting.
Hey, I don�t want to see my ex either, but when you�re a good parent, you actually try really hard to do what�s best for the kids. This means co-parenting with someone you broke up with or divorced. It�s not fun for us either, but if you�re going to be with a single parenting, expect their to be some interaction from the ex.
Our kids come first, but we don�t come last.
This one is big for me. My kids will always come first in the decisions that I make as far as their health and well-being and overall happiness. But I�m not last either. I had an ex say that he and my kids should come before me. I think I was somewhat lower on the list than housecleaning and making dinner. But that�s not how this works. I don�t come last.
If I�m in a relationship, I�m not going to put my wants, needs, and general self-care last because I have a partner, and I wouldn�t be with a partner who expected me to do so. I matter, too, and it�s unrealistic to expect a single parent to put you before their kids OR themselves. Single parents need all the self-care they can get to do this job.
We have so much less time to waste.
We�re incredibly busy, and we�re not going to waste a lot of time. If you seem to be jerking us around, we�re going to put on the brakes. If you lie to us, don�t expect us to keep you around. If you wave a red flag in the air in front of us, we�re not going to excuse it as a little quirk. We�ve got busy lives and children to raise up to be healthy, happy adults, and we don�t have the time for our time to be wasted.
If you know you couldn�t treat another person�s kids like your own, don�t date a single parent. If you�re going to get twisted about an ex coming around for co-parenting purposes, don�t date a single parent. If you can�t be considerate, respectful, and honest, don�t date a single parent. It�s easy. We want connection and to fall in love, like anyone else, but we are not here for any of your bullshit if you just want to play games. We�ll play Chutes and Ladders with our kids, but we�re not going to play dating games with you. Be real, or go home.
There are so many challenges for single moms to date at all. My primary sitter will almost never babysit in order for me to date, and I can�t always afford the prices of sitters in my area. I often have to work around their visitations with their dad or even their school schedule. It�s not easy. We already have enough stress and responsibility without dating adding more.
There�s this horrible misconception out there about single moms. I hope this little no-f*cks-given tutorial has clarified a few of these areas that might have been confusing before. We want to date, but we�re not here for anyone�s bullshit. We�re not easy or desperate, and we�re not shopping for daddies. If you don�t have a glove, you don�t get the love, and just generally be considerate of our time. Thank you for coming to my TED Talk.
ParentingDatingRelationshipsLoveAdvice
Go to the profile of Crystal Jackson
Crystal Jackson
Medium member since Oct 2018
Writer. Mother. Former therapist. Dreamer. Bookworm. Feminist. Happy tree hugger. Mindful human. Follow me on Facebook or Instagram at CrystalJackson.writer
P.S. I Love You
P.S. I Love You
Writing from the heart. Stories about life, loss, and love in the digital age.
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Jennifer Lowe
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Jessica Rosales
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Go to the profile of Salma Elbarmawi
Salma Elbarmawi
Responses
Arpit Jadiya
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Arpit Jadiya
Conversation with Crystal Jackson.
Go to the profile of Thomas
Thomas
Aug 16
After dating a single parent years ago, my advice is to stay well clear of them. Their whole lives revolves around their children and how hard they have it. It�s as if they wear the �single parent� as a badge of honor, when it�s not.
Instead of a quality relationship on equal terms, most men will learn very quickly that they�
Go to the profile of Crystal Jackson
Crystal Jackson
Aug 16
Yes, please avoid dating single parents as this is clearly not for you. We all appreciate you steering well clear of us so that we can find healthy partnerships with someone else. It�s great that you have realized this is not for you.
Conversation between Elizabeth Bennet and Crystal Jackson.
Go to the profile of Elizabeth Bennet
Elizabeth Bennet
Aug 15
Thanks, Crystal! I haven�t even bothered trying to date again after my first experience as a newly-single mom landed me with an even more glaringly personality-disordered guy than my ex-husband?�?and your article tells me I�m not missing anything. I do feel a need to point out, though, that there are plenty of single moms who are the opposite of�
Go to the profile of Crystal Jackson
Crystal Jackson
Aug 16
I don�t mind being rare. Some of the lessons I�ve learned the hard way. I�m trying not to repeat my mistakes. Thank you for reading!!!
Conversation between JE and Crystal Jackson.
Go to the profile of JE
JE
Aug 16
I�ve been dating a single mom for some time now as a single parent myself. It�s been amazing. Free time comes at a premium so almost every time we get together, it�s really great.
There�s so much anti-single parent sentiment, much more towards mom�s than dad�s IME, which I find interesting. At least in my experience this is�
Go to the profile of Crystal Jackson
Crystal Jackson
Aug 16
Thank you for your insight! I was in a relationship that ended for other reasons that had nothing to do with having kids, and I agree that many people are attributing poor comparability to single parenting when one has nothing whatsoever to do with the other. Thank you for reading!
Conversation between Barbara Folk and Crystal Jackson.
Go to the profile of Barbara Folk
Barbara Folk
Aug 15
I matter, too, and it�s unrealistic to expect a single parent to put you before their kids OR themselves. Single parents need all the self-care they can get to do this job.
I�m working really hard on getting better.
Unfortunately, for the longest time, I put myself last. I�m just beginning to work on self-care. This lesson is so painful.
Thank you for writing this. Can you please be my spirit animal? :)
Go to the profile of Crystal Jackson
Crystal Jackson
Aug 16
That question makes my heart happy! ?? Thank you for reading!
Conversation between Anna Cairns and Crystal Jackson.
Go to the profile of Anna Cairns
Anna Cairns
Aug 19
Great read Crystal.
I�m not a single mom and not dating but there are points here that are relatable in life, generally.
Go to the profile of Crystal Jackson
Crystal Jackson
Aug 20
Thank you!!!
Conversation between dori mondon-freeman and Crystal Jackson.
Go to the profile of dori mondon-freeman
dori mondon-freeman
Aug 16
the guy practically interviewed me to be the stepmom for his kid
i had that happen once (and it was before i became a mom, too). not only was his kid the WORST, but yeah, it was easy to see that he was having trouble parenting on his own� I RAN SO FAR.
Go to the profile of Crystal Jackson
Crystal Jackson
Aug 16
The kid was probably nice enough, but the fact that he wanted to make a first or second date an intro to his child was a huge red flag for me.
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Go to the profile of Gijs Corstens
Gijs Corstens
Founder of HackYourFuture, a refugee coding school in the Netherlands,Sweden and Denmark. I care about how tech can be used to solve societal problems.
May 16, 2017
How we taught dozens of refugees to code, then helped them get developer jobs
A typical room in a refugee camp in the Netherlands. Living with 8 people in one room with cardboard walls.
In 2015 and 2016, more than 2 million people fled their home countries seeking refuge in Europe. Europe wasn�t at all prepared for hosting these people, and the Netherlands was no exception.
When large numbers of people started to apply for asylum, they had to wait up to 18 months in a refugee camp for their asylum decision. During this waiting time, they basically have nothing to do. Often they were put in a camp in the middle of nowhere. So they had to time to kill. A lot of time.
I thought this was an enormous wasted opportunity, because refugees in general have to take a lot of steps to become part of society. They have to learn the language. They also have to prepare themselves for the job market.
The past generations of refugees in the Netherlands often ended up in jobs far below their potential. Many (45%) ended up in welfare. This happened due to various reasons, but mainly because they lacked a professional network, and as a result, didn�t have many ins for real employment opportunities.
The facts are not pretty.
As a result, a significant portion of my countrymen started to become anti-immigration, and the far right party becoming the biggest party in the polls.
The way I see it, immigration in itself is neither positive nor negative. It�s about how you as a society make an effort to make immigration work.
And it was time to make an effort.
The opportunity we saw was the following: why not teach refugees web development while they are waiting in a camp? That way they would possess in-demand skills once they receive their asylum, and they can turn around and use those skills to find work.
This way, the Netherlands gains the developers that our companies are in desperate need of, and the refugee is able to provide for themselves and their families. It�s a win-win outcome.
So we got started. We founded our �refugee coding school� HackYourFuture. We selected five highly-motivated refugees from refugee camps camps across the country, and invited them to class every Sunday in Amsterdam. We found some volunteer teachers, and used freeCodeCamp as our curriculum.
We hadn�t planned everything out, but we wanted to get started ASAP and see whether the idea had potential.
Our first class ever. Here I�m trying to motivate the students.
From our first class on, we knew we were on to something special.
The students proved to be incredibly motivated, and they made big leaps in their skills in short period of time.
Even though they lived in primitive and chaotic circumstances in the refugee camps?�?and had gone through terrible things in the past year?�?they had the perseverance to do well in our very intense program.
Teaching these people was inspiring, and really rewarding because the students were hanging on every word we�d speak about programming.